discouraged

That's how I was after class last night, more so today. I know all the reasons, I even know which ones are wrong, but there is that deep dark hole of depression and it's so damn cozy in there. I just wonder sometimes, if I'll ever leave it when I finally let go and just dive in. I don't know.

Today, today it rained. And I did the right thing and gave blood, though the tech was new and couldn't even get a sample for iron from my fingertip, and then missed the vein and it hurt the whole time. It never hurts and I've been giving blood a long long time. When she finally did get the needle into the vein, she left the tourniquet on and it filled the bag in 7 minutes... needless to say I was a bit light headed and had to crash for a while just to rebuild.

Ah well. I can make more.

I started working out with C the Trainer yesterday. Every time I do something I hurt my stupid knee again. P.T. taught me that I'd adapted to so much in the years it was hurt that I do a lot of things (like walk) wrong. I guess 12 weeks weren't enough to break the muscles of the old habits. C has decided to make me work. Consequently, my shoulders and back are hurting, but in that way that you know is good. I'll take it. It's the only feeling of accomplishment I've had in days.

Tonight, I saw Les Miz for the first time, and cried. (My twelve year old tried to prepare me. Something really wrong with the dynamics of that.) Even before the ending, which was a bit too... something.. for my taste. Dead boys on the barricade seemed legitimate to me. It was like the only passage in Ragtime that i was moved to mark, because it reminded me so much of what has been going on with the Al Queada; (pp 284 in my edition(

...he sat down with a sheet over his shoulders and permitted one of the young men to shave his head and his neat moustache. The change in him was striking. His shaven head seemed massive. Younger Brother understood that whatever it's practical justification, this was no less than a ritualistic grooming for the final battle.

No memory tonight. The last one made me feel like a pompous ass. Not sure what I was trying to do there.

But tomorrow, I get to try again.