overwhelmed

Thursday, June 10, 2004

I did see the sunrise today, undercoated clouds of brassy rose, apologetic in their delicate beauty. Or perhaps it is me, apologetic for wanting to continue life, continue to appreciate what is there in the sky and all around and in the people still with me. In denial I am sure.. what better way to deny grief than to go on as usual?

I'm trying to put many things in context. My mother's death and funeral, the sensation of homelessness that goes with the realization that I have no living parents now. At best I am drifting, feeling lost mostly because I was in such production mode and her death just sort of makes me want to stop, find and touch feelings that I don't want to feel. Non-productive, to be sure, but I think there is something profound just under the surface, or perhaps that is simply grief, nagging about all that I wish i could change, should have changed.

I think the best thing to do is to write around it until the real words find their way back into my head.

Then there is the experience of BEA. Coincidental that the only parts I got to attend were those focussed on writing and books. There was almost nothing for the publishing in the first two days... Lake Shore Lit is back on hold for now... the easy answers i hoped to find at expo now will take real research, and perhaps need to slow down. There is no rush, and many reasons for caution.

And perhaps it is important to write the book that I've been waiting all these years to write.

You might note that there is now a format change here... i may leave this to simple blogging and move the sunrises to their own page, though i'm not clear in my own mind if I will continue to write them.

I'll post some of my notes from BEA here later.