trying, too hard, perhaps

The moon is still nearly full, its luminescence the only light in the room but for the screen of my keyboard. The keys aren't lighting for some reason, but that's okay. I don't need to see them. They don't need to see me. This is an exercise of ... touch. "Let me touch your slight indentations, create a mood or a place," I ask them. "Let me touch your mind, your heart, your soul in our creation," they respond. They are warm to my fingertips, these word creating keys, and if I were more of a romantic, I'd make some reference to the heart of the machine, trapped inside, coaxing me to coax it free with the cadence of the clicks of my nails against the smooth surface, the letters connected to my skin, and in turn to my blood and well. We could go on like that. Or not.

Hi. Remember me?

I've meant to write more, really I have. It isn't that I've been too busy. It's more a lost kind of thing. Can't find my routine, can't find my rhythm, can't find my passion. See? It isn't you. It's me. I can't find me.

I am so good at distractions. It can be baseball (go 'stros) or hurricanes, or websites. Kids home, kids gone, kids kids kids. I have a friend whose command of the language I admire, and that word is one of his pet peeves. I tried hard T, really I did. I guess I'm destined to stay among the lazy speakers… "kids" just has more punch than "children," ya know?

Anyway. I'm tired…. Just let my finger rest on the "k" while I was trying to remember where I was headed with that thought and got kkkkkkkkkkkkkkk…..

So many nice k words to distract me…..

Got a new prescription for vicodin today. Anyone who was with me during knee surgery knows that that's one I just can't handle. And I'm silly enough while taking it not to realize it. But it doesn't matter, I've already decided against the procedure anyway on more valid grounds. Mainly, there is another alternative.

Eh, falling asleep. Wake up G!!

I'm reading a book that keeps posing questions to me in that subtle way fiction does...that way that isn't "this applies to you" but lets you step into the character and become her for a while. For some of the more exotic locales (like South Africa and Madagascar and Spain? ahem.) it saves me lots of money, this imagination of mine. But it also has turned me into such a skeptic. I don't, for example, believe in happy endings anymore, and I scoff at books with happy endings for that reason. Give me an honest story, where the end isn't so tidy but the people are interesting any day.

Like real life you know? I don't have to have my friends all tied up with satin ribbon. I like loose seams and rough edges.

I can't think straight anymore. I'll try to come back and fill in the missing pieces on this, otherwise, just remember it's past midnight and 4:45 comes early.