The early dawn was painted with the shades of Italian wine today, the deep purple of Chianti, the blush of rose. As more light added, it mellowed to fine brandy, a translucent shade with subtle fire and sparks of something even hotter. It took a while, but it lit then to rose, that rose that to me means passion, sexual passion, and the color filled the sky in alternating swaths, like a lover taking turns, the passion interlaced with cool gray indifference. The feelings overwhelm: joy, rage, contentment, restlessness. I find myself needing closure on passion, and wish it were easy to categorize, and file away.
The colors vanished by dawn of course and now the sky is filled with detergent clouds, as though telling me to shower, start fresh, be clean. Like a religion that requires only emotion and no thought, and I resist, because I have, after all, a logical mind. So long as I can keep my focus there, I can handle these passion cleansed days. So why do I keep wanting to divert my eyes?
on being back on the "shelf"
The hardest part of practicing law, when things are going right that is, is the emotional investment you make in any given deal. Not because there is anything wrong with that, in fact the adrenaline tends to make the process exciting and sexy. But when the deal is closed, and the client moves on to the next phase, whether it is the new job or the new business or even if it is the spending of the money from the sale, the lawyer gets dropped. No more daily calls, sometimes twice or three times, sometimes hourly. No more important email that only you can answer for the client because you know he trusts you most. They go on to live their lives, and the emptiness they leave is for the next client to fill, or the next or the next. No wonder so many think it is like prostitution.
I'm feeling that way this week. I spent a lot of time in the last couple of weeks with a friend whose life is changing. But now he doesn't need me anymore. I feel…. Abandoned. No… I don't expect anything different… it was the point of the change after all. But it is so easy to be seduced by the need, that someone really counts on me, that my life makes a difference, not just in retrospect, but day to day.
So the depression sets in.
In other news, my children are home on spring break. My oldest is going camping in a few days. It is, she thinks, her last spring break in college (she has more than enough credit to graduate early) and since "we" couldn't go anywhere, she feels she should take advantage. Can't say I blame her. As much as I hate camping, I'd like to run away with my boyfriend to the beach and just stay there too.
My younger daughter is another issue entirely. She's fallen in love with a boy she met online. Online only. They plan to meet after the break and she is nervous…what should she wear, should she get her hair cut, why won't the sun come out so she can get tan? I waver between telling her to be careful and encouraging her, because I know how much more important relationships formed on line can be than those from real life. I know how good, and how bad they can make you feel. So I am listening to her. And trying not to impose my experience on her. Except where it is good.
Last Tuesday my baby turned eleven. Fifth grade is almost over. He was only in preschool when I first found this world. Now he has girls calling and has to be reminded to use his deodorant and worries about his hair. The time goes so fast.
So I am the caretaker this week, picking up the pieces after last week's focus has moved on, trying not to touch too much or too heavily on the lives of my children,. And feeling overwhelmed with emotions I have no right to feel.
And here I am again, typing to a screen. Good thing it doesn't rust.
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