growing things

This morning is being gentle with me today, the clouds are in motion, letting the sun peek through enough to keep the air warm, shading it enough to keep it cool. The scent of jasmine is heavy in the air, and there are enough birds to make company, but not enough noise to mar the perfection. The breeze pushes the fronds of the palms, grown so much now there is the sense that they have been here all along and it is only me that is out of place. I love how things grow here, fast and furious, as though there is only so much time and so much life that needs to be fit in. I think it is a good lesson to learn.


It was an interesting week.

~I moved a step closer to making a decision about the publishing company with research and conversations with someone who jumped into the field two years ago. The biggest obstacle right now is that I want to publish fiction. But fiction is the hardest area to get established in. My contact advised me to pair it with something commercial, at least until I get a reputation established. Commercial… genre work or non-fiction. Something else to think about.

~My doctor prescribed some good drugs for me last week…. Steroids. I've been dealing with a lot of pain from an old knee injury for about a month now, had the stress of last week pounding my emotions, and suddenly broke out in a terrible rash. I have very sensitive skin, and am used to rashes… keep a prescription on hand that usually kicks them right away, but I was out, and worried that the rash and joint pain were related. Well, okay, worried that the depression was a factor too.

I'd complain about the lack of intensive time with the dr, but the medicine she prescribed worked. Worked very well. I have to wonder how much of the stress was agitated by the lack of sleep. I confess to overdoing the first day because it feels so good to feel good.

It is a declining dose though, and as I wind down on the prescription, I am limping again. I suspect it is time to consider knee surgery. Yuck. But I am thriving on the lack of physical pain, which makes it easier to deal with the mental. Health is a complicated matter.

sunrise, 80 proof

The early dawn was painted with the shades of Italian wine today, the deep purple of Chianti, the blush of rose. As more light added, it mellowed to fine brandy, a translucent shade with subtle fire and sparks of something even hotter. It took a while, but it lit then to rose, that rose that to me means passion, sexual passion, and the color filled the sky in alternating swaths, like a lover taking turns, the passion interlaced with cool gray indifference. The feelings overwhelm: joy, rage, contentment, restlessness. I find myself needing closure on passion, and wish it were easy to categorize, and file away.

The colors vanished by dawn of course and now the sky is filled with detergent clouds, as though telling me to shower, start fresh, be clean. Like a religion that requires only emotion and no thought, and I resist, because I have, after all, a logical mind. So long as I can keep my focus there, I can handle these passion cleansed days. So why do I keep wanting to divert my eyes?


on being back on the "shelf"

The hardest part of practicing law, when things are going right that is, is the emotional investment you make in any given deal. Not because there is anything wrong with that, in fact the adrenaline tends to make the process exciting and sexy. But when the deal is closed, and the client moves on to the next phase, whether it is the new job or the new business or even if it is the spending of the money from the sale, the lawyer gets dropped. No more daily calls, sometimes twice or three times, sometimes hourly. No more important email that only you can answer for the client because you know he trusts you most. They go on to live their lives, and the emptiness they leave is for the next client to fill, or the next or the next. No wonder so many think it is like prostitution.

I'm feeling that way this week. I spent a lot of time in the last couple of weeks with a friend whose life is changing. But now he doesn't need me anymore. I feel…. Abandoned. No… I don't expect anything different… it was the point of the change after all. But it is so easy to be seduced by the need, that someone really counts on me, that my life makes a difference, not just in retrospect, but day to day.

So the depression sets in.

In other news, my children are home on spring break. My oldest is going camping in a few days. It is, she thinks, her last spring break in college (she has more than enough credit to graduate early) and since "we" couldn't go anywhere, she feels she should take advantage. Can't say I blame her. As much as I hate camping, I'd like to run away with my boyfriend to the beach and just stay there too.

My younger daughter is another issue entirely. She's fallen in love with a boy she met online. Online only. They plan to meet after the break and she is nervous…what should she wear, should she get her hair cut, why won't the sun come out so she can get tan? I waver between telling her to be careful and encouraging her, because I know how much more important relationships formed on line can be than those from real life. I know how good, and how bad they can make you feel. So I am listening to her. And trying not to impose my experience on her. Except where it is good.

Last Tuesday my baby turned eleven. Fifth grade is almost over. He was only in preschool when I first found this world. Now he has girls calling and has to be reminded to use his deodorant and worries about his hair. The time goes so fast.

So I am the caretaker this week, picking up the pieces after last week's focus has moved on, trying not to touch too much or too heavily on the lives of my children,. And feeling overwhelmed with emotions I have no right to feel.

And here I am again, typing to a screen. Good thing it doesn't rust.

starting again

and so it begins

reversing prisms

The air is perfect now, if there is such a thing, the sky scattered with streaks of thin clouds that do little more than soften the periwinkle sky. Around me, everything is in motion, heading for its stasis I suppose, even the sun has started moving back to due east where I expect it to rise. It is all pure white today, the effect of the thin cloud at the horizon doing a reverse prism thing, putting the light all back together for a change instead of breaking it down to its various wavelengths and coloring the morning. Today, it is a matter of bold directness, and the shadows that creates.

It makes me introspective, and objective. Makes me look at myself to see who I am, and what I have become. I have been trying to wear the hats that I like the best, choosing the rose or the blue from the spectrum instead of treating the whole person. I've justified it by the needs of those around me, to the exclusion of my own needs. I think it is time to put myself back together. It is time to recognize the white light as what it is, the sum of all the colors.

This experiment in sensitivity has not served me well. I feel that instead of becoming more the person I wanted to be, I became invisible,

No one wants to be invisible. No one wants to hover in the background.

unraveling

The sky is starting to lighten; the birds are in full chorus. Smoky wisps of gray reach across the sky like wool fibers from a fine sweater unraveling; the days are warm now, though I suspect that by sunrise it will all be gray. The sun has been flirtatious this week, sometimes shining right on me, other times leaving me surprised in the rain. The gray tells me not to push too hard. Sometimes the best way to get by is not to look for what you know is there.