loneliness

I know this is a somewhat recurring theme for me, but it seems to be pervasive and I'd like to open discussion on it. I just posted the question on Twitter but I rarely get replies there. So I thought I'd blog a bit as well and see if anything bubbles up.

The thing is, I love working alone. I need the solitude for concentration. Whether I'm working on a legal matter or writing fiction or even blog posts, the best focus comes when there aren't other people around to distract me.

That isn't exclusive to home workers though. When I worked with a firm, I was alone in my office. The big difference was that when I needed a break or wanted to ask someone else's opinion or just wanted someone to have lunch with, there were people just steps outside my door with the same needs. Even when I moved my practice primarily to a home office, I could reconnect with the firm by driving into the office and there was always someone who needed to talk to me, either another lawyer or an admin or someone.

And then there were children to add to the mix, which by nature of the beast brings you in contact a) with their own miniature person selves and b) other parents just as desperate for an adult voice. You don't realize it while you are caught up in the raising of children just how much human contact you have, until you get to this lovely point in life: the empty nest.

When I was younger, I always envisioned going back to the office when the kids were gone. But even if I wanted to, you know, shed the love of comfortable clothes and give up my availability to walk dogs and accept deliveries any time, it is a rare office that wants to hire a woman of a certain age, and a rarer woman of a certain age who's had independence and can envision giving it up to have a "boss."

But that doesn't deal with the loneliness. Is it really part of the trade off?

Spring cleaning

You might remember the story of how I got my cat, as it all played out on OD. First I inherited my daughters Persian when she went to college. Sophie was a great cat, always perched on my desk, traveled well, etc. But unknown to us, she had kidney disease and died when she was about 7. That happened in January, 2004. By the time Mother's day rolled around in May, the family decided I needed a new cat. So my son and my husband went off to Petco where there were pet adoptions, and came home with two. They were siblings, and it was "buy one get one free..." Despite my husband not being a fan of cats, he couldn't resist these two. They were adorable as kittens, always wanting to crawl up on me together. By the time they were 2, they had divided the house and wouldn't speak to each other. He got the family room and the bedroom. She got upstairs, the living room and the office. It was kind of weird. A couple of years ago, we lost the girl. I'm not sure what killed her... it was very fast. One minute she was fine, by the evening she appeared to be shrinking, and by morning she was gone. Snakebite? poison? No clue. Now we just have Tubby... who earned his name as a baby.

The reason I started this story was to explain about "free" cats....with claws. And what they can do to furniture. They had scratching posts and all the other recommendations, but they took a liking to the way fabric on furniture felt. Expensive furniture. I have just "lived with it" for years, moving things out to the spare garage when I replaced them. I had three Ethan Allen Queen Anne chairs, a Pennsyvania House sofa, a "chair and a half" with matching ottoman all with great frames but shredded backs. I tried to get them recovered, but the cost of fabric and labor was more than a new chair. I tried to give them away, but none of the charities wanted damaged goods. I just don't have the skill to repair them myself, so yesterday I gave up. I called the Junk King and had them all hauled away. Along with old mattresses, a broken desk, etc. It was a full truck, equivalent to 4 pickups! When i saw it all in the truck, it occurred to me that I had finally gotten rid of the furniture I bought for the house in Michigan AND the house in Iowa. None of it had been right for the Texas house. It was all sentimental... and all getting old. I napped with the baby that turned 21 on Sunday on that couch!

Now the house feels delightfully uncluttered and as though it can breathe without all that shredded sentimentality hanging around. Might be time to clean out some of the old writing files in my computer, too. I'm very fond of shredded sentimentality, it seems.

Perspectives

I had the opportunity to work the Primary election on Tuesday and was pleasantly surprised to meet a number of people in my party, which is not the majority party, in my own neighborhood. I knew of only one other family of our persuasion before that, neighbors I’d seen at a caucus in 2008. I was also surprised by the religious and racial diversity of those neighbors. Suffice it to say that I was operating from a position I’d put myself in: isolation. It is so easy to fall into that position when you can get so many social needs fulfilled right at your desk. Between my online activity and travel, I really haven’t taken the time to get to know, or be involved, in my own neighborhood. It came at a good time. As my husband and I discuss what we want to do geographically, now that we are empty nesters, we’ve often thought we’d like to move “downtown”… or mid town to be more precise. The cost of real estate and the dearth of actual yards for our dogs and flowers has been the reason we’ve hesitated, especially now that he is winding down on his employment. Our reasons for moving were simple… we wanted to be around more people who we could be friends with. And be closer to writing groups, discussion groups and walkable restaurants, bars and galleries. We won’t find walkable restaurants and bars in the suburbs, but it is possible we have underestimated the community for some of the other things. Time to find out. I am at the beach today. The sun is bright and there are only gentle waves on the ocean, beautiful music to work by. It is warm enough that I will spend some time with my book out on the deck, and take the dogs for a walk on the beach. (You didn’t think I’d leave them home surely!) The weather has been confusing, (especially to my allergies) … last weekend we were in the Eighties for the Dog Parade on Sunday and then in the twenties on Tuesday with the coldest rain I can remember. Here are my pups, dressed in their South Pacific costumes, for the Mardi gras parade. They had a lot of fun meeting new dog friends, and were perfect for the parade, letting little kids pet them and generally loving the attention. I was not at all surprised. I’m off to rewrite my Muslim character today. I have not done him justice yet, but I think I know how to fix that. Another surprise from my election clerking… but it did affirm my central theme of invisibility. It isn’t just me.