Little by little normalcy is returning, though i do have trouble spots. Picked up a flyer on healing the mind, body and spirit when i was in the Heart Center, and though it was intended, I think, for the patients, it spoke to grief as well... reminding me that when one part of the package is broken, they all tend to fall apart. Which explains why my appetite and libido seem to be absent I suppose.
I addressed it by going to the Y, and trying to de-clutter my living spaces. Seems to me that the clutter absorbs the energy I need from the place right now, and besides it is too hot to be outside and i'm still not focussed enough to attempt work. I need to get back to it though, have an estate plan that i've been putzing around with since April. It deserves more than i have to give right now though, and if i'm not back with it by Monday I'll refer the work out.
The ABA journal ereports today that doctors are considering a policy resolution that allows them to refuse care, except in emergency situations, to plaintiffs lawyers. i'm not a plaintiffs lawyer, but that Niemoller poem comes to mind. First they came for the plaintiffs lawyers. The past three years of Patriot Act, Sarbanes Oxley, etc etc make it hard enough to be a professional. Now we have to worry about medical care? And not just for the lawyers... their families as well. My guess is the AMA won't bite, but adopting such a resolution to illustrate access issues seems to miss the point. Either that or the Legal Aid numbers showing the number of underserved people needing healthy attorneys is over stated.
Friday, June 11, 2004
Thursday, June 10, 2004
overwhelmed
Thursday, June 10, 2004
I did see the sunrise today, undercoated clouds of brassy rose, apologetic in their delicate beauty. Or perhaps it is me, apologetic for wanting to continue life, continue to appreciate what is there in the sky and all around and in the people still with me. In denial I am sure.. what better way to deny grief than to go on as usual?
I'm trying to put many things in context. My mother's death and funeral, the sensation of homelessness that goes with the realization that I have no living parents now. At best I am drifting, feeling lost mostly because I was in such production mode and her death just sort of makes me want to stop, find and touch feelings that I don't want to feel. Non-productive, to be sure, but I think there is something profound just under the surface, or perhaps that is simply grief, nagging about all that I wish i could change, should have changed.
I think the best thing to do is to write around it until the real words find their way back into my head.
Then there is the experience of BEA. Coincidental that the only parts I got to attend were those focussed on writing and books. There was almost nothing for the publishing in the first two days... Lake Shore Lit is back on hold for now... the easy answers i hoped to find at expo now will take real research, and perhaps need to slow down. There is no rush, and many reasons for caution.
And perhaps it is important to write the book that I've been waiting all these years to write.
You might note that there is now a format change here... i may leave this to simple blogging and move the sunrises to their own page, though i'm not clear in my own mind if I will continue to write them.
I'll post some of my notes from BEA here later.
I did see the sunrise today, undercoated clouds of brassy rose, apologetic in their delicate beauty. Or perhaps it is me, apologetic for wanting to continue life, continue to appreciate what is there in the sky and all around and in the people still with me. In denial I am sure.. what better way to deny grief than to go on as usual?
I'm trying to put many things in context. My mother's death and funeral, the sensation of homelessness that goes with the realization that I have no living parents now. At best I am drifting, feeling lost mostly because I was in such production mode and her death just sort of makes me want to stop, find and touch feelings that I don't want to feel. Non-productive, to be sure, but I think there is something profound just under the surface, or perhaps that is simply grief, nagging about all that I wish i could change, should have changed.
I think the best thing to do is to write around it until the real words find their way back into my head.
Then there is the experience of BEA. Coincidental that the only parts I got to attend were those focussed on writing and books. There was almost nothing for the publishing in the first two days... Lake Shore Lit is back on hold for now... the easy answers i hoped to find at expo now will take real research, and perhaps need to slow down. There is no rush, and many reasons for caution.
And perhaps it is important to write the book that I've been waiting all these years to write.
You might note that there is now a format change here... i may leave this to simple blogging and move the sunrises to their own page, though i'm not clear in my own mind if I will continue to write them.
I'll post some of my notes from BEA here later.
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